New Year Resoluton and A Blast From the Past

I hope all my readers had a very merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday. Today is New Years Eve which just astounds me to be the point where I'm speechless. So many blessings were brought forth in my life this past year. And so many trials. But I'm not very fond when it comes to dwelling upon the negative so I'm going to make a list of all my blessings that I experienced this past year, and encourage you to do so as well!


1. I drew closer to God. You can never get enough of God's infinite love and care. See there is no limit. That is why I love my Father so much and I've grown closer to Him this past year; Because He never changes. His love never fails. And He only wants the best for me.

2. I've come to understand the Savior in a whole new light. I used to think of the Savior as a vague yet kind man who sacrificed his life for me and I owed him. But that is NOT the case. Jesus is not at all vague. He is apparent. He reveals his wondrous works through the scriptures and his seers and prophets throughout history to the present day. He loves us more than anything and didn't give up his life because God asked him to. He offered it unto us because He loves us. If his love is an ocean, we're all sinking and drowning yet we are living in his love. Because the Savior is everlasting and His power is manifesting. He is as real as can be and I'm thankful for Him more than I can even comprehend.

3. My recovery. It's been a hard year, yet I cannot help but rejoice in my recovery. I was struggling with depression and my eating disorders and other personal issues. But then I let myself heal and through the Grace of God, I was healed. Sure, I still have my days. The difference now is that I know I can tell somebody and I'm not afraid to ask for help from God or from those I love.


4. My Health.  For about two months now I had made the decision to become vegetarian, hoping t be become a full-time vegan pretty soon. And it feels great! I feel so much more alert and happy then I was before. When I was struggling with my eating disorder I never really grasped the idea of a healthy diet. I always thought starving yourself was how you get skinny and healthy. Wrong. Let me say this; if you're eating three meals a day, maybe some deserts and snacks here and there, but your eating things like vitamins, fruits, vegetables and grains and you're trying your best and you are exercising for at least an hour a day, you are doing fine. I have been told that I need to lose weight and that I'm not skinny enough or good enough or whatever. Now, if anyone tries to tell me or even whisper the word diet, I go on a full on rant and you know, I've been told I'm known for my temper. But how can I not defend myself? I'm beautiful, curves and angles and mustard stains and all.  I know I still like sweets. I have a fetish for milkshakes and onion rings. But I eat moderately and it's alright to have days where you junk out. We are all human. I'm so tired of hearing girls thinking that they have to size zero to feel beautiful. Curves are not beautiful. Skinny is not beautiful. YOU are beautiful. Remember that. And make sure, if you're feeling up to doing exercise so you indulge yourself with pity parties full of junk food, to take a step back and breathe. First of all, don't hurt yourself for pigging out. The next day, just work out. Working out isn't just lifting weights and running till you get cramps. My favorite kind of workout are aerobics. For example, zumba. To me, it feels like I'm not working out but just having fun. Find out what works for you. If it might be yoga, aerobics, kickboxing, dancing, swimming etc. If you're moving, then you're all good. I love being fit, but that doesn't I still don't have my days of junk feasting. It's alright. The key is smaller portions, eat more vitamins and exercise. If you can sit on your butt watching reruns of Keeping Up With The Kardashions like I tend to do, I know you can exercise for at least an hour. Sorry for the huge pep talk but I just love discussing health and how it changed my life, for the good.


5. My Singing and Blogging Success. I look back and feel grateful for how I've changed. Especially my voice. I can reach more notes then I could before and I've discovered so many cool indie artists that have changed my perspective on how music should be. My songwriting has become so much more potent and deeper. I'm not afraid to say I'm proud of myself. I'm definitely not the best out there, that's for sure, and I still have so much more to work on. But it's all a process. And, just recently I created a Youtube account where I sing Covers. I posted a Cover about three days ago and it's already has more than 100 views. I love you guys so much. I couldn't have done it without you. Here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC68JBqbkeHVVefQDisKnIYA But really, I couldn't have done all those worship nights at different churches without the help of those who allowed me to perform. I'm also grateful for my family and friends that supported me in my singing career. And I'm so glad that I made this blog! I love sharing my life and advice to people I don't even know. And I love sharing God's love to all ya'll! Thank you so much for reading my blog and keeping up with me, even though I think I'm pretty boring. :) I'm just an average girl, but I'm happy that I get to share my average-ness with you.



As for my New Years Eve resolution. I don't really believe in New Years Resolutions because most them, sadly, fail. I believe in goals that I have already started. If you mess up, pick yourself back up and try again. Even if it's not new years day, you can still make a change. Hope ya'll have a good night and be safe and have fun!





















Happy New Years Eve!!!!!

God's love never fails

“How could ye have rejected that Jesus who stood with open arms to receive you?” (Mormon 6:17)

I've been asked by many of my peers, why I chose to be Mormon, and why I am not ashamed of being Mormon and why I love the church...and I'll tell ya.



During the most struggling and gruesome trials in my life, it is Christ who helps strengthen my testimony in this beloved Church, when I accept His love and guidance. Jesus is ultimately the center of this Church. He is the founder thereof. And I have searched the whole world to find another religion that could cause such joy and happiness and such peace, and I could find none except the Church I am in now; The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.


Some members I've met, especially my fellow youth, will tell me that they do not know for sure if the Church is true. "Well," I say, "have you prayed about it?". The answer is usually no, so I think that's the first step. If you are in doubt, or have a question and you are frustrated that you can't seem to find an answer, ask God. He isn't merely a clockmaker, who creates and doesn't involve Himself in his creations existence. God's whole purpose is to "bring to pass the immortality of man". And by this, we can come to know God better, and even someday become like Him. How amazing is that? Our God is a merciful God and has provided so many tools and ways to communicate with Him, receive revelation from Him and come back to HIM. God is not a secretive God and neither is this Church. We invite all men, to come and partake of the blessings beyond compare.









Now in my experience, it was little different. I was born in the Church but never sense a connection with God and had my doubts. I then involved myself with the wrong people, the wrong crowd you say. But mostly, I felt lonely and desperate for something I didn't even know I had. I was longing for God's love. And so, I asked God for myself, if He was there and I can tell you He is. His love is so tangible and everlasting. But God is open to all men, who desire Him. But no one can stop Heavenly Father from loving us. You are permitted to not believe in Him, but you cannot ever convince God to love you any less. Regardless of any sin, of your background, of your doubts...God's love never fails. If you allow His presence He won't relent until He has it all. What love is that? It is Christ's love. It is God's love. It is love. And when the day comes, where we meet our Savior again, I feel as though if we didn't do the best we could've and we rejected His blessings and most of all love, we will all regret it at the last day. But there is still hope and it is called the Atonement.


It baffles me that somehow, we reject His endless adoration and love towards us. It baffles me how some people can not accept the Atonement. I think it is because we cannot comprehend His love. Most of the time, the reason we have doubts about God, is because we do not know how much He truly loves us. Like Kari Jobe says in her graceful words..."What love is, that You gave Your life for me...and made a way for me to know you? What love is that?" It is Christ's love. It is God's love. It is love. "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13).












And His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me...- Jesus Culture. It truly does not. No matter who you were before, no matter who you are today, you can change through the atonement of Christ and His wondrous grace. You can't do it all on your own. I know I cannot fathom being controlled over someone else but God isn't a controlling God, He is a loving one. And all His commandments and covenants we seal upon ourselves, our for our greater good. We may not know why now, but I've realized the best way to prove to yourself that the Lord's way is the best way is to tell yourself why not and simply, do it.

After you follow the commandments and try your best, I promise you that you will notice the blessings His word gives. Our God is a faithful God and He is also our Heavenly Father who loves us. He sent His only Begotten Son to die for us. And Christ too, loves us infinitely. How can we not accept their open arms? How can we not? The answer is this: Don't reject, accept.

Life Is Curious...by Erin Clegg

My darlings, life is so curious 

Can you even see

I don't even know why there has to be answers

You know, because life isn't fun 

When there aren't any questions to dig

There isn't any stories to tell

The ones that are suspenseful

Well, those are the best

And loves, I have a story to tell

It's my life well of coarse

And stories, they don't follow the rules

Oh no, stories tell a tale of breaking them

And finding yourself through nakedness

Striping down your internal impurities 

Will only make you boring

Because if we were on this earth to be good

Why did this so called God allow bad

Now don't get me darlings,

I don't rejoice in the devilish ways

But through hell will we find heaven

Like dear old Dante did

But there is no heaven and there is no hell

Unless you think you are in one of the two

See, when I'm overcome with gallows of sorrow

It is hell I see on earth, I swear it to be the truth

And when I'm happy, which I don't really know what happy is,

I guess I feel like I'm in heaven too

What is heaven

What is hell

What is devil

What is God

We are all

of the above

For we decide our destiny 

I hope and pray though, at the ends of our days

We won't turn into dust

At least, Great Universe, let us be the stars

How curious it is though, I feel the most peaceful

when I'm talking to the Above

Because even if He is there and even if He isn't

At least the Moon is

And I forget all my doubts and tribulations

And rejoice in the curious tomorrow 

Life is curious...it should be that way

Because when we die, who knows what will see..............

- Erin Clegg

My Views on Gay Marriage & Sexuality....

Before I state my opinion let me say this...I am not perfect. I do not know everything. And I am trying in my best ability to answer such a sensitive question, yet the answer is so simple. And I'll explain why in a second. Please, read this with a open heart and an open mind....


So, many have wondered and asked my views on Gay Marriage. I think my views are a bit biased because I've been in a position where I've been and still are friends with those in the LGBT community, which I blessed to be to this day. Know that I am not God, so thus I do not know everything. Yet I feel like it's such a taboo to be blunt with this subject. Yet I understand that we must be empathetic...I will go with a quote from one of our prophets from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, President Hinkley in response to ; "We love them and want to help them"...you can interpret that saying by just what it says. And I totally and completely agree with him.


If honesty is the key to life, let me say this; I would be lying to you if I said I've never had a girl crush before...what girl hasn't???? I also would be lying to you if I told you when people would previously ask me about this subject and I would simply say "Gay Marriage is okay with me"...so now I will set the record straight....I believe in eternal marriage through a man and wife. BUT some do not get the chance to get married...is that a sin? No. Now, with gay marriage...I believe if those are already married and do not have any knowledge of the Gospel, they are sinless because they are knowledge-less. If I was now a missionary now and I knocked on the door and a lesbian couple answered I wouldn't give them a disgusted look. I would look at them with a warm look because as a member of this Church, I am to love one another. And I do, and I love everyone despite of their mistakes because I make mistakes. I remember in Sociology and Psychology we studied sexuality and this is what I conclude....


We are all, no matter what, are bound to face a questioning of our sexuality at least once is our life. It's natural. I've done it. Actually I considered myself bisexual for a long period of time, but then I realized it was honestly just a phase. Because that it is most of the time. "A phase"....yet, I can't help wondering how those elderly lesbian couples and elderly gay couples can stay together for so long if it is simply just "a phase"...Here's my philosophical theory...those who are gay or lesbian or etc because of their past. You cannot just say they were born that way. Maybe they were, who knows. But environmental causes can be a huge factor. Many lesbians or bisexual women or men have had a male figure that has skewed their views on men. Many have gone through physical or verbal abuse from a man. This is why I can't stress enough...MEN, LEARN YOUR MANNERS. Sometimes I cannot understand why some men can have the priesthood when they are just so rude and verbally abusive to those around them. Your mother probably did not raise you to be so vain. Like our dear old friend Snookie said "I should be become lesbian, because nearly all men are douchebags..." This was and still can be my thoughts from now and then.



Doesn't that seem sad? It does to me. In the scriptures, Paul declared that “neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” 

We are equal in the sight of the Lord. God does not prefer men over women, or women over men. Sometimes even I have to remind myself that. Neither is one sinner more preferable than the other. Gay Marriage or being gay in general isn't the only sin out there...there's being impatient, dishonest, breaking the laws of chastity, being violent and etc. It also says "Thou shalt not kill". Yet no one wants to condemn war but that's another topic for another blog.


What I'm basically saying is overall I do not agree with Gay Marriage is a sense that it should be permitted to be sealed within the temple because that's not God's plan. Now who knows, maybe in a few years, God will permit it and it will be the norm...and maybe it won't. Who knows? But for know, I am going to follow the prophet's guidance. And if gay marriage should be intact, then let it not be intact. BUT, I also believe love for all men. SO, we must be kind. Do not stop being friends because they've come out of the closest; SUPPORT THEM. Tell them what I tell my friends, "I may not agree completely with it, but I love you. And I don't care if you're gay, bi, black, blue, yellow or freaking purple. If you're nice to me, I'm nice to you. God's the judge, and I love you..." Don't shoot back saying they're damned to hell and you will never communicate with them again because that's just stupid and it makes you look like a homophobic mad hatter. So chill out, and count to ten and love one another and don't judge.











Peace to you, my loves. xo 

Yes, I am vegan...No I do not starve myself

I've noticed some people wondering if I am going through my old ways of my eating disorder. Let me rest assure, I am NOT. I'm quite confident in my body and I hold a certain amount of dignity that I didn't have before my recovery. Just because I recently gave up starchy foods like pasta and rice and became a vegan and lost some weight doesn't mean I'm going to be anorexic. Actually, I've been in taking more calories than I've ever had...but their the GOOD kinds of calories that throughout the day give you energy and makes your digestive system a whole cycle. I feel so much more satisfied. How? Well, I know many have been wondering what I even eat...and I'll tell ya.


Breakfast: For breakfast I usually have some oatmeal with fruits and cinnamon. It keeps me full until lunch and is such a good source of protein for my day. I also take in my daily B-12 vitamin twice a week with my breakfast because it's essential for vegans. :)


Two hours after breakfast snack: Soynuts or any kinds of nuts really. Many people do not approve of nuts because it is high in fat and calories which is true. But it is the good kinds of calories that help you maintain protein and energy through your day.They also burn quite fast, especially if you work out. (which I highly-recommend)...

Lunch: I usually have fruits and veggies or a salad. I know, it is pretty low in calories but it actually sustains me because....

Two hour snack after lunch: Since I'm hungriest at this time, I have organic snacks like dried peas, fruit salad and whole wheat crackers with tofu. It satisfies my tastebuds. :)


Dinner: I usually have some veggies with hummus and black beans. I keep it small because I'm not usually hungry at night. Then I go to bed with some chamomile herbal tea. At sometimes, I make a big vegan dinner that takes up the time of recipes but it tastes amazing when it's done. :)


So as you can see, I'm taking care of myself very well. And if you're thinking about doing the same thing, do it! Let's veganize the world! Make sure to workout though. Whether it's yoga, running, dancing, aerobics or anything that gets your body moving, don't be afraid to do it. You will literally feel more energized than you have in the longest time. Don't ever starve yourself for the results you'll probably never get. Just stay healthy, (maybe become vegan *wink wink*) and take care of yourself and you'll be fine, darlings. xo

Being newly born VEGAN...:)

It's a new month which obviously means a new blog post! :) I'm feeling so blessed just looking around nature. As nature exquisitely changes color by the grace of the Creator, I feel at peace. This new month has brought me something huge in a space of nine days. I decided something for myself...that I would become vegan! Many people have reacted to this with shock and disdain and obviously condemn it. I received a lot of reactions that go something like this, "Erin, you CAN'T become vegan! God says in the bible that he made those BEASTS for us to eat! What about your PROTEIN!" And they go on and on with their unintelligent outrages. So, I the newly covenanted vegan, must correct them in the gentlest way I know. First of all, I CAN become vegan. It is my life and it does not say in the bible that I shouldn't become one either. I know plenty of happy and healthy vegans. (Plus, we live longer..) AND I truly despise the word "beasts". Back in the day, that term was parallel to animals. And we ARE animals. So we're basically calling ourselves beasts as well. I realized how much I cherished animals and how much I was hurting them by eating them. My logic  is justified by this...What if hot dogs were actually dogs? Would you still eat them? Probably not, if you were a decent, well-mannered person. But what does a pig or cow and dog have in difference? You could train a pig to become a pet. As cheesy as this comparison is what about Charlotte's Web? Many children have often wept or felt heart-broken when the Father was so close to slaughtering the baby pig for breakfast...yet we raise our children to eat their childhood book's best friend. It's ludicrous and unethical. Plus it also states in the bible "Thou Shalt not kill" but everyone seems to overlook THAT.

Now I will not deny, I enjoyed eating meat and dairy products. Their the epitome of our society. Hot dogs, Hamburgers and ice cream are a common American fast food we cherish. That I once cherished. But think of how much it was all commercialized. We got the "Got Milk" signs up in the elementary's cafeterias walls and McDonald's practically everywhere...(which I'm not sure is even meat)...It's just completely outrageous how much lobbying is going around. So I've decided to give up junk food as well. It's meaningless and will only cause health issues.

On the other hand the issue about protein. Us vegans actually take in more protein then many meat-lovers think. We take in many sources of protein through vitamins and beans and etc. The thing we vegans need to look out for and for those who reject seafood is the omega 13. That is an important vitamin we need to take in to maintain our healthy balance. You can find vegan omega 13 vitamins in places like Whole Foods. So if your thesis against vegans is we don't take in much protein, you are utterly false.






So I want to end this blog on the 10 reasons why being a vegan has made me a happier and healthier person and why I did it in the first place....

1. Because I love animals. And that includes sea-based creatures like fish and such.
2. Because it was a health-conscience choice and has improved my cholesterol immensely
3. Being a vegan has actually cause me to have the desire to work out more and actually stick to a workout routine...healthy ways results in healthy living
4. Because I've always enjoyed organic food as a child, being a vegan only helps me even more to choose healthy foods and to buy things from healthy markets like Whole Foods and Trader Joes
5.  Being vegan has helped me with my cooking skills! I like to experiment a lot and vegan recipes are way more tastier than non-vegan meals!
6. Being a vegan has helped me watch what I eat. And helped me cut out those unnecessary calories
7. Being a vegan just has made me glow literally because a lot of foods I eat relieve oily and dry skin! :)
8.Being a vegan has made me glow internally because I just feel so much more joy in my life and excitement and have the thrill of having a healthy life style!
9. Being a vegan has helped me watch my portion size when it comes to food! It's all about how much you take in!
10. Because being a vegan has made me happier! It truly has. :) :) :) :)



I encourage you take the vegan week challenge to anybody who is curious on why vegans just seem so much more healthier and FUNNER. :) If you like it, keep at it! Let's VEGANIZE the world. Make sure to talk to your nutritionist first before going on a vegan diet if you are pregnant, have heart problems and other health issues.

Yours Truly, Dignity 💕

I've learned so many things from my dear mother. Let me just say, my mother is so elegant and graceful in all things; in the way she speaks, especially in Spanish, and the way she carries herself, the way she dresses and presents herself. I was raised to be a lady and have manners but always to have dignity of being the young woman I'm growing to be.


Just recently, a lot of people have been curious about my love life. It's overwhelming, to know so many people actually care about things that don't have to do with my music and my beliefs. It's astounding how people can be so absorbed in being in love or love stories when they are living it explicitly without even knowing it. God is our first love and yet we seem to forget that He is. He is the most irresistible, the most loving, and caring Man us women can receive in our lives. My love and connection between my Lord is this bond that is irrevocably unbreakable. I adore Him, and I think that is why I've never been in very intimate relationships before because I already possess one that will last eternity, despite what many believe.



But what questioned my relationship with my first Love was actually a man in my family. I'm obviously not going to state who, cause I have the divine power of dignity that I hold for myself and him, but yet I cannot yield myself from not speaking out...


This man in my life, has made my life, frankly, a living hell to be honest. But yet, he has made it heaven on earth at the same time. Despite my best efforts to try to keep the peace treaty between us, he always seems to have a short-temper and spur of the moment outrages. It honestly has frightened me to the point of even thinking to escape my own life, a attempt to end my life to ease my pain. But then I thought to myself...why would end my life? It would just justify that he would always win. He always got the last word. And that's when I realized.... I will never sacrifice my opinion, my dignity, my divine nature, my religion, and my salvation in return for what I thought was bliss. But it isn't. Ending your life will only cause you grief and regret and the ones that loved you will have to deal with that devastation for the rest of their lives. But not only in the case of suicide, but in anything. One time, I heard a young man call a girl ugly in church. At first I was shocked because I'm not used to such behavior, yet I was immune to it as well, since the man in my life that has mocked and ridiculed me has said the same thing...yet I've never seen an actually young man of God call another woman ugly or fat or anything like that. I turned to him, sharply and told him in the most serious tone I think I've ever used with a young man to never ever call a woman that. He was frightened and shocked, I could tell. But that wasn't the least of worries. He then stuttered and said something like "that's not what I meant". I grimaced. Yeah right, I thought. But I think I made it pretty clear that I didn't approve of that kind of use of language. Maybe he know thinks I'm this crazy feminist or something of those sorts, which I basically am.


But let me say this, I am a woman of God but I am also a woman of opinion. I believe in equality yet I also believe in moral respect for women as well. It's all the same to me. I think that is why I was born at this time. If I was born about sixty years ago and the men of the church didn't allow women to say the prayer in church, I think I might start a riot. And if I was born in the 1970s, and found out through the grapevine that African American men were not permitted to be baptized or have the priesthood, I would nearly tear out all my hair and but again, go on a riot. I think we live in a empowering time, for women especially. We shouldn't take the apostles council of sustaining a family as a restriction to the rights we possess. If you feel it is right, and you want to follow dreams whether that is acting or singing or dancing and a man tells you not to pursue such things, defy him. Because the only person who can tell you exactly what to do in those kind of situations is you, yourself and God. You don't need a man to feel empowered and equal. You don't need the priesthood to feel equal to your spouse or to any man to be exact.


So I guess what I'm trying to say is I've finally had the strength to act upon dignity. Dignity itself is my best friend. It's something I cherish so dearly. I thank my mother for teaching me and nurturing me in a way so I can feel liberated AND know I have the responsibility of divine nature and no one can take that away from me. Oh about that man in my life who I always thought made my life a living hell, was actually my nightingale because he led me into the process of forgiveness and happiness. Words cannot hurt me anymore. I am free. And happy. 💕 - Erin xo

 Me again :). I'm experiencing one of those days where the Spirit is so strong, it's tangible. And when that happens, I GOT to blog. Anyway it's been a roller coaster ever since my recovery. As you probably all know I attempted suicide this past summer...but that is NOT what I want to talk about. I want to talk about my RECOVERY. It's amazing, experiencing life with Jesus to guide me. I've let go and let God. It's truly a blessing. I've been totally healthy, eating wise. And I ain't talking about diet healthy. I'm talking MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL HEALTH. Something I think is way more important than counting calories, for sure. And I am so glad I did not take my life away. That someone very dear to my heart stopped me from making the biggest mistake EVER. And that is my Lord Jesus Christ. I thank Him, for another opportunity to live with joy and laughter and sunshine and even rain. Because on the rainiest days, is where we all become humble and pray for the Sun. When we realize the sun has already shone....the Sun is us. We illuminate the world through CHRIST. I'm feeling giddy and joyful even typing right now because I am so happy to be alive. It's just so electrifying and yet humbling to know God wanted us to make mistakes and learn to become more like HIM. God, it's crazy that you love me so much that you'd sent you're perfect Son to die for me and let me live the way I want to live. But God, I want to live the way YOU want me to live. I surrender to you. Amen....

I know, I just did a prayer of thanksgiving to God during a blog post. Can't better on blogger than THAT. :) And I just wanna say this....GENERAL CONFERENCE IS THIS FRIDAY SATURDAY AND SUNDAY. This is just so exciting for me! It's my first general conference is COMPLETE RECOVERY. I am so blessed...no, WE ARE SO BLESSED to have revelation coming out of the anointed ones such as Prophet Thomas S. Monson and his beloved apostles. We are so blessed to be in the last latter days and that we have the restored gospel. YAY. It makes me smile even thinking about it. Thank you Joseph Smith for restoring the true gospel down to the earth....truly is the best blessing.
















And how the Book of Mormon has been a blessing to me as well. It has gotten me through so much these past four months. I LOVE Nephi 8:12 " And as I partook of the fruit thereof it filled my soul with exceedingly great ^ajoy; wherefore, I began to be ^bdesirous that my family should partake of it also; for I knew that it was ^cdesirable above all other fruit. " That fruit is the CHRIST. Christ is should be our only one desire and once we partake the goodness and deliciousness of Christ and what He can bring into our lives, we will change and thus change the world around us. The tree is the baring of God's love that He so abundantly gives. Thus that is why the fruit is Christ's love...because it is directly from God's love. God displayed His everlasting love and affection to us through sending His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to die and atone for our sins. And Christ should His consuming life through freely offering Himself unto God, for OUR SAKE. Jesus loves us so much! It just baffles me. It's just breathtaking. 


Anyway, I hope everyone will get a chance to watch General Conference. It really is the most wonderful time of the year....and plus Christmas. :) I'd like to thank everyone who was given me prayers and thoughts and have been such good friends to me through my recovery. And I can't wait to finish this year off right. By STAYING in recovery. God is so good. It makes me wanna dance, actually. :) Stand and be not moved! Live life and love God! Judge not and love one another. Just some encouraging phrases for me to follow and everyone who is reading this. Peace and love. And stay strong! 

God's timing

I know I haven't posted anything on my blog in a long time. I've been so busy. But I always love to blog even though probably not many read. It's therapeutic for me. Anyway, I've been spending alot of time with the Lord, pondering and asking and praying. Many of you know that I am quite spiritual and religious and yes, this another blog post of God. But how do you expect me NOT to talk the one being who has given me everything. He's blessed me to be healthy and to give him glory and praise through my worship music I create or sing a long to.

I've realized that it's all about God's timing. Many of us forget God is in control, including me. I tend to forget to surrender everything to God and I do it without even knowing I'm resisting all the many blessings and opportunities He has for me! And one way I do so is trying to speed things a long or slow things down. I think I'm in control of time. When in reality, time itself obeys God because God is time. He is everything and He is sovereign.

I always try to rush things. I try to rush things like worship or my (pause for dramatic effect)...dating life. Even though I am sixteen and allowed to go out date, I've felt a revelation from God bestowed to me from him when I was twelve that I shouldn't date until "I've fulfilled all the things God has in store for me before marriage". I really have no idea why, but the thought of dating excites me until I'm faced with someone actually asking me on a date. Then I get this feeling, from Holy Spirit of coarse, that it isn't "the time". I have a work to do. And whether that work has to do with my passion of singing or something else, I searching. And while I'm searching I'm doing the best I can.

Moving on to a different story of how God's timing has blessed my life; many of you probably know that I have struggled with emotional issues. Things like cutting, eating disorders and depression have happened to me. Not just happen to me but take over me. And everyone knows that I love Demi Lovato (one of the few celebrities that have gone through what I have and has gotten treatment for it. Plus she is a anti-drug and anti-alcohol and anti-bullying promoter and believer which is quite rare to find in Hollywood). Well, Demi has created a organization called "The Lovato Treatment Scholarship" which is a organization that pays for struggling teenager's treatment and therapy. I've entered into this since treatment these days are so expensive and I am currently on the waiting list, you can say. Finally, I've felt at peace with myself knowing that I will soon get the treatment I need.

Few of you know that I have been suicidal in the past. I can't promise anything except that I'm my life one day at a time. Some days are harder than others and even though I seem quite social, there are days where I just don't want to show my face to the public eye. There HAVE been days where I was to weak and troubled that I would leave church and go home and avoid all human contact other than my sister and mother. But I always remind myself that I am alive. And that God has work for me to do. I was granted with the gift of singing and songwriting and other artistic abilities and when I use my voice through worship, I feel at home and happy. I can feel God's presence. And that's what is keeping me alive.

Everything happens for a reason and I know God has given me certain obstacles in my life to make me stronger. AND to help others with the same issues. I also know that His timing is all that matters. Everything happens for a reason. We may wander and drift but if allow God to work within us, He will draw us nearer to HIM and break us and pour our sorrows and sins out and start again.


It's a beautiful life. And we have a beautiful God. Let us wait for His returning. His timing is perfect...

I am Unbroken

                              So, I've contemplated if I should put this in my blog. I asked myself, "Why does anyone need to hear MY story" and "I'll probably look like a pity-seeker". But now I realize, I was wrong. People NEED to hear my story. They need to know that eating disorders are real and self-harm isn't something uncommon. And I am not trying to get pity by the way. That's just absurd. But here's my recovery story:


                                It all started when I was eight. I looked in the mirror and rubbed my belly and thought I was the fattest kid around. When in reality, I wasn't. I was in pretty good shape at the time. But when it comes to an eating disorder "pretty good shape" isn't enough. It got worse over the years. I was surrounded by girls who played sports when in my case, my parents couldn't afford to apply me for sports except for ballet. Of coarse, like any girl, I got bored with ballet and quit. I was then commerced in a school with girls who had flat bellies, skinny arms and skinny legs. Puberty didn't help. I was excited to transform into a woman but in my mind I thought it was a one night transformation. I didn't know that my body was SUPPOSED to go through changes. I didn't know my hips were SUPPOSED to widen. That my belly was bloated because of my period, not because I was fat. I didn't understand why somehow, out of nowhere, acne started to appear on my face. So, when it did happen I wasn't emotionally ready for this transition in my life. In extreme cases I would try to make myself sick enough that I could throw up and get "skinny". That's literally what I thought at eleven years old. Then came middle school. In seventh grade I was searching. Searching for something more. Searching for answers. I was started to investigate religiously. But I also was experimenting in something that altered my eating disorder and self-harm to a whole new level. I started to cut myself and starve myself. My eating disorder is called anorexia nervousa/binge-purge type. This means one day I would stuff myself with food. Most days I wouldn't eat because I was hungry but because it was my coping mechanism to escape the world. Food was my best friend per say.

                              I was bullied for this. Just not directly. I could always hear people murmur,"She's fat" or "ew, look at all those pimples on her face" and the list would go on and on and on. Cutting myself was a whole different story. I self-harmed myself because I was not only physically ashamed of myself but I was ashamed of myself spiritually. I thought God hated me. That I was a disgrace to him, my family. To the world. So, I took it out on myself. Secretly though, I wanted people to know I self-harmed. Not for pity. But to see that I needed help. That I needed love. I needed someone to tell me I was worth more than the scars across my arms. One day though, something strange happened. Something urged me to tell my mom that I self-harmed. At this time, the guidance counselors at my school were getting suspicious. Anyway, it was like God was telling me to tell my parents. At first, I thought I was just going crazy. Tell my parents? They'd go nuts. They'd send me to the looney house. I couldn't, I thought wouldn't. But the feeling didn't go away. It pressed me every second of the days. "Tell your parents". No. I thought. My Mom would be heartbroken. My Dad would be furious. My sister, always following my footsteps, would attempt the harm I was inflicting on myself. My Dad would tell my grandparents. My grandparents would tell my extended family. I'll be known as that insane girl who cuts herself and starves herself and of coarse people who automatically think it's for "attention". I was confused. I didn't know what to do. But when my Mom got home from work it was like something came over me. I had no control and I just blurted out to her, "Mom, I cut myself". It was like something out of this world took my mouth and spoke it for me. And when I said those words there was no going back. What I forced myself not to tell her was my eating disorder. I still needed something to hold on to. My eating disorder would be my only coping mechanism left. I wasn't going to let anyone take that away from me. When my Mom did hear this, she of coarse, instinctively told my Dad. Funny thing is, a week later my parents had a call from the guidance counselors to have a conference about my "possible self-harming activity". They suggested I go to an alternative school. I begged my parents to not send me there. I told them I would stop cutting. And I did.


                           From then on, my life was going pretty well. I drifted away from my eating disorder. I was searching spiritually again. Trying to look for God. And I knew my coping mechanism was holding me back. Finally, I knew I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I knew in my heart, soul and mind that it was true. Till' this day and everyday to come, I would die in conviction that I know this church is true. (If you'd like to learn more come talk to me and I highly suggest you go to mormon.org). Anyway, spiritually everything was looking up. Other than God, nothing really lasts forever. Well, that is what my mind thought at that time.

                           Fast forward to my tenth year now. My school year currently. In the beginning I was just beginning to have back my strong friendship with, at the time, my best friend. Little arguments started brewing, but most friendships are like that. Then over one little heated argument she was gone. She ignored me. And I knew it was for good. I don't blame her. I did the same thing to her in the summer. I felt ashamed of myself for treating such a good friend so poorly. I was back to my depression. She was basically my only true friend at the time because I wasn't socially active all the time. Not because I didn't want to be, just because I was too lazy to be.

                          People I didn't even know existed started turning on me. My ex-best friend was obivously very likable and gorgeous as well. It was always hard. Having her as my best friend. Whenever we went out, she would always get all the boys and yes, even the girl's, attention. I was always her shadow. People only followed me because I followed her. But once her and I weren't friends anymore, people dropped their connection with me. Rumors started to spread like wild fire. What hurt the most was when people thought I was "lesbian" for her. It really hurt because I am straight. Just because I was hurt of losing a friend people thought I was lesbian for her. What also made me sad was how ignorant people can be. For the LGBT community I am sorry that some of you dealt or are dealing with bullying. You will get through this. Even though I am straight, I support you in a sense that God is the judge, not us humans. Peace be with you. You all are in my prayers. Anyway, when this bullying took place that is when my eating disorder came right back up. I started to binge again. Bingeing and purging was again, my coping mechanism for life. I was ashamed of myself, stressed out and desired to literally die. But I knew suicide would break my family's heart so I didn't attempt. But I would be lying to you if I said I never thought about it. Bingeing and purging was my only way to cope. To live. I wouldn't eat any breakfast or lunch but binged when I got home. Then on the weekends I would do extreme workouts. Binge, workout, starve then binge again. It was all a cycle. I couldn't stop myself. Fasting Days in Church were my favorite days. I had an excuse to tell my Mom why I didn't eat. And why I ate a bunch of food the following day. I was lying to everyone. I was lying to my family, church leaders but most importantly I was lying to myself. The worst kind of lying there is. I convinced myself that it was okay to binge. It was okay to skip meals if I ate excessively when I got home. I convinced myself it was okay to have an eating disorder. I wasn't stick thin like those girls I see in my sociology book at school. It wasn't even evident that I had an eating disorder.

                      It's bittersweet to say this but I am in full recovery of my eating disorder right now. A month ago I wasn't. I'm sorry for the lies. But I am better now. I'm getting to know my body more. I'm starting to treat it like the temple it is. Now I am not as ashamed as my body as before. I respect the temples on the small of my back. I adore the curviness of my hips. And my arms, really, who gives a *&^% if my arms are fat. I'm slowly getting comfortable in my own skin, for the first time in ages. I was lost but now I am found. I really don't care what people think anymore. All that matters is what the people on my team think. Team meaning God, family and close friends. All that matters in the end is love. When people ask me what I say to my haters my response is simply this: I wouldn't say anything. Because they do not matter. What matters is those who love me for me. Like Demi Lovato said "If I sense someone who is supposed to be on my team that doesn't support me in my recovery then their out." Finally, in such a long time, I'm in tune with what my body wants. And it wants to be loved and respected. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

                    One of the most recent decisions I've made was to delete my twitter. I don't need people knowing EVERYTHING I do and what I think. I don't need to be tweeting for hours when the sun is shining outside. I want my life to be lived the fullest. It would be such a shame if at the end of my life I realize most of my time was spent on the internet. What I also know for a fact is I love singing. Music and singing have helped me recover. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for music. I can say that with no doubt. And I want my career to be singing or something that has to do with music. It's what keeps me alive. Good vibes come out of music.

                   One last thing I want to say. This is for everyone: If you are suffering with self-harm, bullying, suicidal thoughts or an eating disorder please talk to me. And don't be afraid to get help. Know that there is a God and he loves you and it hurts Him to see you hurt. And if you don't believe that, believe that I love you. And if you can believe I love you, try to know that God loves you a billion times more. Getting help isn't being weak, it's being strong. Stay strong. And know LOVE is LOUDER than the pressure to be perfect. I also want to say this: To those who judge those with eating disorders/self-harm/suicidal issues I hope you reflect upon yourself. We are NOT people being "possessed by the devil" we are people who strive to be happy. Instead of judging us, love us. We are not sinful people. We are your brothers and sisters and we deserve as much of respect than you do. We are all children of God, no matter what apparent flaws. Our mistakes make us who we are. Before you point your finger I'll point you to the mirror.


                 I also want to thank every one of you who have supported through my recovery. I would like to take the time to name all the beautiful people who have supported me through my recovery. First and for most I'd like to thank my heavenly God. You are worth all my praise, my Lord. I don't look to you as a deity but more as the Father I've never had. My relationship with you, will never be broken. It breaks my heart when I realize how hurt you must've been when I binged or cut or thought of suicide. But I love you and I know you love me too. I know you've always been there, no matter how bad it got, no matter how many mistakes I did and will do, your love never fails to amaze me. Your mercy endures forever. And so does my love for you. You will always be my first love. Next is to my beloved Savior. My brother, you died on the cross for me. After all I've done, you've shed your blood for ME. Though, I'm not worthy I will bow before you, Lord. You heal me. You lead me. Throughout every road in my life. I love you with all my heart and soul and mind. Please, teach me the your ways. Teach me to love like you did. Next is my Mother. Mom, you're a hard worker. You work a full time job and you're a Mom. Thank you for everything. I love you and your kindness and your unceasing love. I hope to be as strong and loving as you are. Thank you, Mommy. I love you. Next is my best friend, my sister. Shelbs, you've been there for me through thick and thin. Through my tantrums, breakdowns, heartaches. You were there. I know we fight sometimes but you're my best friend. Please understand you are so precious and beautiful. You are worth more than GOLD. Don't let anyone tell you you're not. Follow your dreams and chase after the stars. I love you. And to my true friends, thank you. Thank you for loving me and supporting me. I know I'm probably one of your weirdest and craziest friend ever. Bare with me. Thank you for sticking around with me, it means the world to me! Know that you are beautiful and I love being in your positive presences. I just freaking love all of you guys. ROCK ON. :) Stay strong.