Why I Hated Myself

“You can even say that I hated myself at certain periods. I was too fat, or maybe too tall, or maybe just plain too ugly ... you can say my definiteness stems from underlying feelings of insecurity and inferiority. I couldn't conquer these feelings by acting indecisive. I found the only way to get the better of them was by adopting a forceful, concentrated drive." 

- Audrey Hepburn

It was always hard for me. Excruciatingly hard for me. Why was it so easy for others? To be themselves...to love someone regardless if they will leave them...to stay in a belief system for a lifetime...?

I was and am obsessed with change. Change in religion. Change in cross dressing. Change in hair color. Change in sexuality. Change in weight. Change in life generally speaking. Why though? 

 Is it a chemical imbalance? 

Is it a mental illness? 

 Or is just how I am? 

These are the questions that haunt me every day. 

This is why I grew to hate myself.

I saw the way people would react to my sudden alterations. Even my philopshy teacher in my senior year, when discussing what religion each of us were or our spiritual beliefs, said to me "Now, Erin. What are you now?"

 Many people thought I was so dramatic when it came to changing overnight because I wanted attention. This is false. What I was after was gratification in myself. To feel happy and filled. I wanted to get rid of this ever-presence of emptiness. 

Anything anyone did who inspired me, I wanted to do. I wanted to be. 

That's where I found the problem was.

I am also someone who is bound to break their promises. I am someone who doesn't like to stay in one place. 

My euphoric senses come when a change in the wind has occured. 

But how is this ever attractive?

This is more scary, then attractive. 

 It was this past week, laying in my bed after one of my episodes of sudden changing, that I really began to recognize the effects of my actions. 

Because sooner or later I would regret that decision I made. 

I then began to have anxiety against myself. 

I looked at myself in the mirror and said "The one thing we really need to change is the fact that you change too much"...

So I started to brainstorm.

What do I do?

And this is the answer I found;

Life is but a moment in the great schemes of things. 

Don't waste your life living another person's life.

Half my life I spent pleasing people, the other half was rebelling. After I began to take after people to the point of insanity. 

Starting from that night I am myself. 

Which may not be attractive, but it's me.

I made some oaths to myself. 

"I'm not going to change the way I live to get a man"

"I'm not going to change the outside of me to impress others"

"I'm not going to a adopt a spiritual belief because a person I admire holds that belief system. I must find my own purpose and connection to God without someone's life interfering."

"I'm not going to hate myself anymore. I'm going to love me and take care of the inside of me before I do anything else." 

"And if I love someone, I will not cut them off and leave them with questions. No matter if they don't love me back or if they will leave me...I will be vulnerable and allow for the pain to settle in. I will allow myself to love. Because pain allows us to grow." 

 

 

 

Gay Marriage Ruling - Love wins!

Wow. I haven't been on here for awhile. But I feel as though I am free now that I am 18, and starting new adventures as an adult (kind of).

So, the gay marriage ruling...um, HECK YES.
I am so happy for my LGBTQA community and though I know that some don't agree (and we can agree to disagree), I feel reassured somehow because if I want to get married or if my friends want to get married, we can. Without any legal issues. This is amazing!
I first want to talk about my recent roller coaster that I’ve been through.
Now anyone who knows me, knows I came out January 4^th of 2014. It was the scariest moment of my life. First off, I didn’t do it out of rebellion. If that were the case I wouldn’t have contemplated suicide those nights before. And I wouldn’t have cried all these endless nights asking God to make the gay go away.
There was a time after my coming out where I was very comfortable with my sexuality so much as I would defend to the death my LGBTQA community. But then the ostracizing began. The debates began. The bullying began. This began at Church, at school, even in my own home. I remember the summer of 2014 clearly. I wanted to be YCL (Youth Counselor) at a church girl’s camp that year. I was told I could but I couldn’t lecture the girls. And so I sort of Youth Counselor but not really. But to the girls I did counsel with, they thought I was one nonetheless. I connected with these girls. But with the other girls my same age, there was an unsettling awkwardness. I had no real friends that were my age. Plus, I guess my look didn’t help either. I had a short pixie cut styled hair. I would wear clothes from the “boy” section of stores (I don’t believe in gender restrictions among clothing or anywhere). And not to mention, I was…GAY. Well, I told myself I was because how can you explain to homophobic people that you like boys and girls? They’ll believe you are confused. More than you already are. But in all honesty, that’s who I am. I have a major crush on a Korean Star named Amber from a Korean girl group called f(x) just as much as I have a crush on Taemin (another beloved Korean-Pop star from a kpop boy group). And I would also have crushes on girls in my high school just as much as I had crushes on boys in my school. What I realized though, very early on, is the people around me didn’t understand that.
All this and all the misunderstandings that took place overwhelmed me to the point where I would go back and forth. I would say I’m gay, then I would deny it. Then back and forth and so on. I wanted to find a cure for this. I thought I was truly crazy. So I did the first thing I knew had to be done. Slowly draw away from the church I was constantly in opposition with. It’s not that I hated anyone. I still have good friends from that church. It’s that it was exhausting. And I did not believe anything that the church principles were saying except for the values like kindness, not judging, and loving one another and so on (those ones were rarely practiced by some). And so I started researching about different religions. Again, I wanted to find the cure to my indecisiveness and I wanted to find a group of people who would accept me. And ultimately, someone who could tell me I wasn’t gay. I was scared. Before I was confident in my sexuality but slowly I saw that people were disgusted with me. As a result of this, I became disgusted with myself. To the point where I went back in to the closest and fell into a deep depression. What if I fell in love with a guy? Would he be okay with the fact that I am…not straight? Already a lot of my extended family looked upon me in disgrace. If I fell in love with a girl, would anyone even care about our wedding? Would I have to move so the tension between the girl and my family wouldn’t be so overwhelming? All these thoughts rattled in my brain. At night I would stay up to till 3 or 4 contemplating myself and death.
Then I found a certain religion that I became interested in and intrigued about. I even joined that religion. I felt love and compassion thrown my way and open arms. But as I studied further that religion up until recently – I realized I wasn’t being true to myself. I was being ostentatious. Publicly, I would look like this religious person, but deep down I knew I still wasn’t straight. Though this religion is definitely in no way okay with homosexuality, I somehow understood in their point of view more than the POV of the church I was brought up in. Maybe it was because I felt closer and I had more friends in this religion I thought I was invested in. The problem was now it was harder to be true to myself since I gained so many great friends through that religious experience.
But these past few weeks, I’ve let go of the fear that people won’t accept me. I’ve let go of the fact that I am not gay, but I’m not straight either. To put it simply, I fall in love with whoever I fall in love with. And I’m proud of this country for stepping up and standing with me and my fellow LGBTQA community when it comes to giving us the right to marry. A right everyone should possess. I don’t want to be labelled but I am proud of those who do label themselves with surety. As for myself, I’ve always been a free spirit. As I grow up, I’ve come to realize that I overthink too much. Especially when it came to my sexuality and religion.
Now, I just go with where the wind takes me. If I fall in love with a woman, then I won’t stop falling in love. I will fall in love deeply with no shame. Same goes with a man. And if my partner cannot understand that, they weren’t meant for me to begin with.
And with religion – I am currently not a religious person but I respect all religions and hope one day a bridge can be built between the LGBTQA community and the religious communities out there and we can all realize that we all came from the same life source.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am a free spirit. OH AND CAN I JUST SAY THIS...I know we can agree to disagree but the one thing I cannot stand is just because I do dress "feminine" nowadays and I have longer hair and I wear makeup doesn't classify if I'm straight or not...just saying And if you happen to be offended by that, then I totally understand. But don’t be afraid to approach me. Instead of bashing each other on the internet, let’s talk about civilly. Anyway, I’m just so happy with myself right now and I am happy for my brothers and sisters in the LGBTQA community. I still believe more needs to be done for the Trans community and more needs to be done in this country alone – especially when dealing with racism, women’s rights, and police brutality. But that’s for another blogpost. So until then, have a good day! :) 

 
 

REALLY DON

Compassion Over Contention

First, I wanted to dedicate this blog to all the Mormons that have suffered with mental and emotional disorders. I also want to dedicate this blog to all my fellow LGBTQ Mormon brothers and sisters. I also want to dedicate to anyone who feels alone. Because you are not alone.


Here are three videos I believe will strengthen your heart, mind, and soul for good. I have drifted away from the church for a time and have regretted it ever since. Please know that God loves you and has so many blessings in store for you. He will keep all His promises if you just hold on. Our dear Prophets and Apostles care for you deeply, and these videos are to help you draw closer to God's sweet doctrine, and most importantly, His Love. These are the videos that saved my life. Let them save yours. Or at least brighten and enlighten your day. :) 

 

As many of you know, the Church has been in the limelight recently due to the decision making of the ex-communication of John Dehlin and Kate Kelly. I know there is a lot of controversy because of this subject so I will try to keep it as peaceful as possible. But I feel impressed to say what is in my heart...

Love. Love is always the answer. It doesn't matter what you read on New York Times. Or what other Mormons say. Or really what you think. Love is always the answer. Jesus Christ is love. And Jesus is the light, the truth, and the way. So let us exemplify Him through this trial, and give love to John and Kate. They are sons and daughters of God, just as you and I, who have opinions...just like you and me. We are not the judge. God is. Does that mean we cannot sustain our Prophet and apostles? No. Does this mean we cannot have our own opinions? No. Does this mean that we  cannot disagree with John and Kate? No.

As for me, I empathize and somewhat agree with somethings John and Kate have said. But that is simply my opinion. What saddens me, and I am pretty sure saddens our Heavenly Father, is when we try to assume John and Kate's testimony. When we assume their heavenly outcome. That is what is so saddening. Remember; What you say about others, determines more about YOU then the person you are talking about. Always speak love, never hate.



Now I know because of this limelight, some members of the church are getting scrutinized. More meetings are being held to have an open conversation about these subjects. So I have message for all those who will be minorities in this situation;
I just want to remind all my LGBTQ brothers and sisters and my sisters who are apart of Ordain Women to remember this; You are not alone. God loves you. My prayers are for you, not against you. You have people out there who believe in you. You have Savior who loves you more than you will ever know. Do not feel as though you are isolated. Because even if there will be hurtful things said to you, pay no mind. Because the only opinion that matters is God's. Go to Him for wisdom, strength, and answers. Rely on Him and Christ's atonement to give you peace. And don't leave. Stay. Hold on just a little bit longer. You are loved. You belong.

Now I am not saying who is right and who is wrong. Honestly, I feel that God is the only who can determine that. What I am saying is no matter what, we have to love each other. Cut out the contention. It will only leave us in misery. I would know. I used to always feel the need to be malicious and proud while arguing. I've realized that THAT is the adversary taking his place in our hearts. The Spirit leaves when there is contention. It doesn't matter if you are defending the Prophet or your local leaders or if you're on the other side of the spectrum and you are defending human rights and equality...if there is contention...the Spirit will leave on both sides. And who wants that?


So put forth love and empathy and compassion before anything else. Because that is true courage.