Why I Hated Myself

“You can even say that I hated myself at certain periods. I was too fat, or maybe too tall, or maybe just plain too ugly ... you can say my definiteness stems from underlying feelings of insecurity and inferiority. I couldn't conquer these feelings by acting indecisive. I found the only way to get the better of them was by adopting a forceful, concentrated drive." 

- Audrey Hepburn

It was always hard for me. Excruciatingly hard for me. Why was it so easy for others? To be themselves...to love someone regardless if they will leave them...to stay in a belief system for a lifetime...?

I was and am obsessed with change. Change in religion. Change in cross dressing. Change in hair color. Change in sexuality. Change in weight. Change in life generally speaking. Why though? 

 Is it a chemical imbalance? 

Is it a mental illness? 

 Or is just how I am? 

These are the questions that haunt me every day. 

This is why I grew to hate myself.

I saw the way people would react to my sudden alterations. Even my philopshy teacher in my senior year, when discussing what religion each of us were or our spiritual beliefs, said to me "Now, Erin. What are you now?"

 Many people thought I was so dramatic when it came to changing overnight because I wanted attention. This is false. What I was after was gratification in myself. To feel happy and filled. I wanted to get rid of this ever-presence of emptiness. 

Anything anyone did who inspired me, I wanted to do. I wanted to be. 

That's where I found the problem was.

I am also someone who is bound to break their promises. I am someone who doesn't like to stay in one place. 

My euphoric senses come when a change in the wind has occured. 

But how is this ever attractive?

This is more scary, then attractive. 

 It was this past week, laying in my bed after one of my episodes of sudden changing, that I really began to recognize the effects of my actions. 

Because sooner or later I would regret that decision I made. 

I then began to have anxiety against myself. 

I looked at myself in the mirror and said "The one thing we really need to change is the fact that you change too much"...

So I started to brainstorm.

What do I do?

And this is the answer I found;

Life is but a moment in the great schemes of things. 

Don't waste your life living another person's life.

Half my life I spent pleasing people, the other half was rebelling. After I began to take after people to the point of insanity. 

Starting from that night I am myself. 

Which may not be attractive, but it's me.

I made some oaths to myself. 

"I'm not going to change the way I live to get a man"

"I'm not going to change the outside of me to impress others"

"I'm not going to a adopt a spiritual belief because a person I admire holds that belief system. I must find my own purpose and connection to God without someone's life interfering."

"I'm not going to hate myself anymore. I'm going to love me and take care of the inside of me before I do anything else." 

"And if I love someone, I will not cut them off and leave them with questions. No matter if they don't love me back or if they will leave me...I will be vulnerable and allow for the pain to settle in. I will allow myself to love. Because pain allows us to grow."