I am Unbroken

                              So, I've contemplated if I should put this in my blog. I asked myself, "Why does anyone need to hear MY story" and "I'll probably look like a pity-seeker". But now I realize, I was wrong. People NEED to hear my story. They need to know that eating disorders are real and self-harm isn't something uncommon. And I am not trying to get pity by the way. That's just absurd. But here's my recovery story:


                                It all started when I was eight. I looked in the mirror and rubbed my belly and thought I was the fattest kid around. When in reality, I wasn't. I was in pretty good shape at the time. But when it comes to an eating disorder "pretty good shape" isn't enough. It got worse over the years. I was surrounded by girls who played sports when in my case, my parents couldn't afford to apply me for sports except for ballet. Of coarse, like any girl, I got bored with ballet and quit. I was then commerced in a school with girls who had flat bellies, skinny arms and skinny legs. Puberty didn't help. I was excited to transform into a woman but in my mind I thought it was a one night transformation. I didn't know that my body was SUPPOSED to go through changes. I didn't know my hips were SUPPOSED to widen. That my belly was bloated because of my period, not because I was fat. I didn't understand why somehow, out of nowhere, acne started to appear on my face. So, when it did happen I wasn't emotionally ready for this transition in my life. In extreme cases I would try to make myself sick enough that I could throw up and get "skinny". That's literally what I thought at eleven years old. Then came middle school. In seventh grade I was searching. Searching for something more. Searching for answers. I was started to investigate religiously. But I also was experimenting in something that altered my eating disorder and self-harm to a whole new level. I started to cut myself and starve myself. My eating disorder is called anorexia nervousa/binge-purge type. This means one day I would stuff myself with food. Most days I wouldn't eat because I was hungry but because it was my coping mechanism to escape the world. Food was my best friend per say.

                              I was bullied for this. Just not directly. I could always hear people murmur,"She's fat" or "ew, look at all those pimples on her face" and the list would go on and on and on. Cutting myself was a whole different story. I self-harmed myself because I was not only physically ashamed of myself but I was ashamed of myself spiritually. I thought God hated me. That I was a disgrace to him, my family. To the world. So, I took it out on myself. Secretly though, I wanted people to know I self-harmed. Not for pity. But to see that I needed help. That I needed love. I needed someone to tell me I was worth more than the scars across my arms. One day though, something strange happened. Something urged me to tell my mom that I self-harmed. At this time, the guidance counselors at my school were getting suspicious. Anyway, it was like God was telling me to tell my parents. At first, I thought I was just going crazy. Tell my parents? They'd go nuts. They'd send me to the looney house. I couldn't, I thought wouldn't. But the feeling didn't go away. It pressed me every second of the days. "Tell your parents". No. I thought. My Mom would be heartbroken. My Dad would be furious. My sister, always following my footsteps, would attempt the harm I was inflicting on myself. My Dad would tell my grandparents. My grandparents would tell my extended family. I'll be known as that insane girl who cuts herself and starves herself and of coarse people who automatically think it's for "attention". I was confused. I didn't know what to do. But when my Mom got home from work it was like something came over me. I had no control and I just blurted out to her, "Mom, I cut myself". It was like something out of this world took my mouth and spoke it for me. And when I said those words there was no going back. What I forced myself not to tell her was my eating disorder. I still needed something to hold on to. My eating disorder would be my only coping mechanism left. I wasn't going to let anyone take that away from me. When my Mom did hear this, she of coarse, instinctively told my Dad. Funny thing is, a week later my parents had a call from the guidance counselors to have a conference about my "possible self-harming activity". They suggested I go to an alternative school. I begged my parents to not send me there. I told them I would stop cutting. And I did.


                           From then on, my life was going pretty well. I drifted away from my eating disorder. I was searching spiritually again. Trying to look for God. And I knew my coping mechanism was holding me back. Finally, I knew I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I knew in my heart, soul and mind that it was true. Till' this day and everyday to come, I would die in conviction that I know this church is true. (If you'd like to learn more come talk to me and I highly suggest you go to mormon.org). Anyway, spiritually everything was looking up. Other than God, nothing really lasts forever. Well, that is what my mind thought at that time.

                           Fast forward to my tenth year now. My school year currently. In the beginning I was just beginning to have back my strong friendship with, at the time, my best friend. Little arguments started brewing, but most friendships are like that. Then over one little heated argument she was gone. She ignored me. And I knew it was for good. I don't blame her. I did the same thing to her in the summer. I felt ashamed of myself for treating such a good friend so poorly. I was back to my depression. She was basically my only true friend at the time because I wasn't socially active all the time. Not because I didn't want to be, just because I was too lazy to be.

                          People I didn't even know existed started turning on me. My ex-best friend was obivously very likable and gorgeous as well. It was always hard. Having her as my best friend. Whenever we went out, she would always get all the boys and yes, even the girl's, attention. I was always her shadow. People only followed me because I followed her. But once her and I weren't friends anymore, people dropped their connection with me. Rumors started to spread like wild fire. What hurt the most was when people thought I was "lesbian" for her. It really hurt because I am straight. Just because I was hurt of losing a friend people thought I was lesbian for her. What also made me sad was how ignorant people can be. For the LGBT community I am sorry that some of you dealt or are dealing with bullying. You will get through this. Even though I am straight, I support you in a sense that God is the judge, not us humans. Peace be with you. You all are in my prayers. Anyway, when this bullying took place that is when my eating disorder came right back up. I started to binge again. Bingeing and purging was again, my coping mechanism for life. I was ashamed of myself, stressed out and desired to literally die. But I knew suicide would break my family's heart so I didn't attempt. But I would be lying to you if I said I never thought about it. Bingeing and purging was my only way to cope. To live. I wouldn't eat any breakfast or lunch but binged when I got home. Then on the weekends I would do extreme workouts. Binge, workout, starve then binge again. It was all a cycle. I couldn't stop myself. Fasting Days in Church were my favorite days. I had an excuse to tell my Mom why I didn't eat. And why I ate a bunch of food the following day. I was lying to everyone. I was lying to my family, church leaders but most importantly I was lying to myself. The worst kind of lying there is. I convinced myself that it was okay to binge. It was okay to skip meals if I ate excessively when I got home. I convinced myself it was okay to have an eating disorder. I wasn't stick thin like those girls I see in my sociology book at school. It wasn't even evident that I had an eating disorder.

                      It's bittersweet to say this but I am in full recovery of my eating disorder right now. A month ago I wasn't. I'm sorry for the lies. But I am better now. I'm getting to know my body more. I'm starting to treat it like the temple it is. Now I am not as ashamed as my body as before. I respect the temples on the small of my back. I adore the curviness of my hips. And my arms, really, who gives a *&^% if my arms are fat. I'm slowly getting comfortable in my own skin, for the first time in ages. I was lost but now I am found. I really don't care what people think anymore. All that matters is what the people on my team think. Team meaning God, family and close friends. All that matters in the end is love. When people ask me what I say to my haters my response is simply this: I wouldn't say anything. Because they do not matter. What matters is those who love me for me. Like Demi Lovato said "If I sense someone who is supposed to be on my team that doesn't support me in my recovery then their out." Finally, in such a long time, I'm in tune with what my body wants. And it wants to be loved and respected. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

                    One of the most recent decisions I've made was to delete my twitter. I don't need people knowing EVERYTHING I do and what I think. I don't need to be tweeting for hours when the sun is shining outside. I want my life to be lived the fullest. It would be such a shame if at the end of my life I realize most of my time was spent on the internet. What I also know for a fact is I love singing. Music and singing have helped me recover. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for music. I can say that with no doubt. And I want my career to be singing or something that has to do with music. It's what keeps me alive. Good vibes come out of music.

                   One last thing I want to say. This is for everyone: If you are suffering with self-harm, bullying, suicidal thoughts or an eating disorder please talk to me. And don't be afraid to get help. Know that there is a God and he loves you and it hurts Him to see you hurt. And if you don't believe that, believe that I love you. And if you can believe I love you, try to know that God loves you a billion times more. Getting help isn't being weak, it's being strong. Stay strong. And know LOVE is LOUDER than the pressure to be perfect. I also want to say this: To those who judge those with eating disorders/self-harm/suicidal issues I hope you reflect upon yourself. We are NOT people being "possessed by the devil" we are people who strive to be happy. Instead of judging us, love us. We are not sinful people. We are your brothers and sisters and we deserve as much of respect than you do. We are all children of God, no matter what apparent flaws. Our mistakes make us who we are. Before you point your finger I'll point you to the mirror.


                 I also want to thank every one of you who have supported through my recovery. I would like to take the time to name all the beautiful people who have supported me through my recovery. First and for most I'd like to thank my heavenly God. You are worth all my praise, my Lord. I don't look to you as a deity but more as the Father I've never had. My relationship with you, will never be broken. It breaks my heart when I realize how hurt you must've been when I binged or cut or thought of suicide. But I love you and I know you love me too. I know you've always been there, no matter how bad it got, no matter how many mistakes I did and will do, your love never fails to amaze me. Your mercy endures forever. And so does my love for you. You will always be my first love. Next is to my beloved Savior. My brother, you died on the cross for me. After all I've done, you've shed your blood for ME. Though, I'm not worthy I will bow before you, Lord. You heal me. You lead me. Throughout every road in my life. I love you with all my heart and soul and mind. Please, teach me the your ways. Teach me to love like you did. Next is my Mother. Mom, you're a hard worker. You work a full time job and you're a Mom. Thank you for everything. I love you and your kindness and your unceasing love. I hope to be as strong and loving as you are. Thank you, Mommy. I love you. Next is my best friend, my sister. Shelbs, you've been there for me through thick and thin. Through my tantrums, breakdowns, heartaches. You were there. I know we fight sometimes but you're my best friend. Please understand you are so precious and beautiful. You are worth more than GOLD. Don't let anyone tell you you're not. Follow your dreams and chase after the stars. I love you. And to my true friends, thank you. Thank you for loving me and supporting me. I know I'm probably one of your weirdest and craziest friend ever. Bare with me. Thank you for sticking around with me, it means the world to me! Know that you are beautiful and I love being in your positive presences. I just freaking love all of you guys. ROCK ON. :) Stay strong.