So, the gay marriage ruling...um, HECK YES.
I am so happy for my LGBTQA community and though I know that some don't agree (and we can agree to disagree), I feel reassured somehow because if I want to get married or if my friends want to get married, we can. Without any legal issues. This is amazing!
I first want to talk about my recent roller coaster that I’ve been through.
Now anyone who knows me, knows I came out January 4th of 2014. It was the scariest moment of my life. First off, I didn’t do it out of rebellion. If that were the case I wouldn’t have contemplated suicide those nights before. And I wouldn’t have cried all these endless nights asking God to make the gay go away.
There was a time after my coming out where I was very comfortable with my sexuality so much as I would defend to the death my LGBTQA community. But then the ostracizing began. The debates began. The bullying began. This began at Church, at school, even in my own home. I remember the summer of 2014 clearly. I wanted to be YCL (Youth Counselor) at a church girl’s camp that year. I was told I could but I couldn’t lecture the girls. And so I sort of Youth Counselor but not really. But to the girls I did counsel with, they thought I was one nonetheless. I connected with these girls. But with the other girls my same age, there was an unsettling awkwardness. I had no real friends that were my age. Plus, I guess my look didn’t help either. I had a short pixie cut styled hair. I would wear clothes from the “boy” section of stores (I don’t believe in gender restrictions among clothing or anywhere). And not to mention, I was…GAY. Well, I told myself I was because how can you explain to homophobic people that you like boys and girls? They’ll believe you are confused. More than you already are. But in all honesty, that’s who I am. I have a major crush on a Korean Star named Amber from a Korean girl group called f(x) just as much as I have a crush on Taemin (another beloved Korean-Pop star from a kpop boy group). And I would also have crushes on girls in my high school just as much as I had crushes on boys in my school. What I realized though, very early on, is the people around me didn’t understand that.
All this and all the misunderstandings that took place overwhelmed me to the point where I would go back and forth. I would say I’m gay, then I would deny it. Then back and forth and so on. I wanted to find a cure for this. I thought I was truly crazy. So I did the first thing I knew had to be done. Slowly draw away from the church I was constantly in opposition with. It’s not that I hated anyone. I still have good friends from that church. It’s that it was exhausting. And I did not believe anything that the church principles were saying except for the values like kindness, not judging, and loving one another and so on (those ones were rarely practiced by some). And so I started researching about different religions. Again, I wanted to find the cure to my indecisiveness and I wanted to find a group of people who would accept me. And ultimately, someone who could tell me I wasn’t gay. I was scared. Before I was confident in my sexuality but slowly I saw that people were disgusted with me. As a result of this, I became disgusted with myself. To the point where I went back in to the closest and fell into a deep depression. What if I fell in love with a guy? Would he be okay with the fact that I am…not straight? Already a lot of my extended family looked upon me in disgrace. If I fell in love with a girl, would anyone even care about our wedding? Would I have to move so the tension between the girl and my family wouldn’t be so overwhelming? All these thoughts rattled in my brain. At night I would stay up to till 3 or 4 contemplating myself and death.
Then I found a certain religion that I became interested in and intrigued about. I even joined that religion. I felt love and compassion thrown my way and open arms. But as I studied further that religion up until recently – I realized I wasn’t being true to myself. I was being ostentatious. Publicly, I would look like this religious person, but deep down I knew I still wasn’t straight. Though this religion is definitely in no way okay with homosexuality, I somehow understood in their point of view more than the POV of the church I was brought up in. Maybe it was because I felt closer and I had more friends in this religion I thought I was invested in. The problem was now it was harder to be true to myself since I gained so many great friends through that religious experience.
But these past few weeks, I’ve let go of the fear that people won’t accept me. I’ve let go of the fact that I am not gay, but I’m not straight either. To put it simply, I fall in love with whoever I fall in love with. And I’m proud of this country for stepping up and standing with me and my fellow LGBTQA community when it comes to giving us the right to marry. A right everyone should possess. I don’t want to be labelled but I am proud of those who do label themselves with surety. As for myself, I’ve always been a free spirit. As I grow up, I’ve come to realize that I overthink too much. Especially when it came to my sexuality and religion.
Now, I just go with where the wind takes me. If I fall in love with a woman, then I won’t stop falling in love. I will fall in love deeply with no shame. Same goes with a man. And if my partner cannot understand that, they weren’t meant for me to begin with.
And with religion – I am currently not a religious person but I respect all religions and hope one day a bridge can be built between the LGBTQA community and the religious communities out there and we can all realize that we all came from the same life source.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am a free spirit. OH AND CAN I JUST SAY THIS...I know we can agree to disagree but the one thing I cannot stand is just because I do dress "feminine" nowadays and I have longer hair and I wear makeup doesn't classify if I'm straight or not...just saying And if you happen to be offended by that, then I totally understand. But don’t be afraid to approach me. Instead of bashing each other on the internet, let’s talk about civilly. Anyway, I’m just so happy with myself right now and I am happy for my brothers and sisters in the LGBTQA community. I still believe more needs to be done for the Trans community and more needs to be done in this country alone – especially when dealing with racism, women’s rights, and police brutality. But that’s for another blogpost. So until then, have a good day! :)
